If you’re the person who is talking during the movie
Because I just paid $10-15 for a ticket. I didn’t pay to listen to you giggle with your friends over the latest episode of whatever show you think is so hilarious that it deserves to be talked about during some of the most serious and quiet parts of a movie.
If you’re the person who insists on mocking and making fun of the movie:
Again, I didn’t pay $10-15 to listen to your amateur “comedy” routine and the comments about how the little girl sobbing because her baby brother is dead “cracks [me] up every time.” If I wanted movie commentary, I’d buy a Rifftrax and at least have the joy of listening to the guys from MST3K, aka professionals, make fun of a movie.
Tonight, you made me dream up a device that would allow other movie-goers to give deviant attendees electric shocks if they’re being assbutts at the movies.
Also, if you’re asked to please stop, you shouldn’t retort with an insult. You should think to yourself, “Oh. Other people are here in the theater. This isn’t a private showing. Perhaps I should show respect and common courtesy to them by shutting my piehole.” Honestly, you should have thought of that when the Universal logo popped up, but if you’re already being an ass in the theater, I’m guessing that thought escaped you the first time around.
To the parents of children who can’t keep their kids quiet, in their seat, and polite:
I’m not talking about normal kids whispering for someone to pass the popcorn. I’m talking about feet kicking my HEAD because their feet are on my seat. I’m talking about temper tantrums. I’m talking about throwing popcorn. I’m talking about talking loudly through the first 15 minutes of a film. I’m talking about kicking seats and giggling about it. I’m talking about running up and down the aisles while wearing those strobe light shoes.
To the parents bringing infants to loud movies, toddlers to movies with scary action sequences, and young (under eight) kids to intensely gorey R-rated horror movies:
If you can’t find a babysitter for your newborn and you want a night out, I can understand that. However, if you’re going to bring the not-even-able-to-roll-over stage youngling along with you, then you need to tend to it. Leaving it to scream and cry for 15-20 minutes until it’s too tired to cry anymore is not tending to it. Fact: Everyone around you hates you.
Do not take your two-year-old to movies like Super 8 or Cloverfield. A friend had an experience where one little girl was so scared that she was crying and wanted to go home. Did her parents take her into the hallway to comfort her or leave the movie entirely? No. They stayed until the end.
Evil Dead is not material for a pre-schooler. I witnessed this tonight. Just… no.
To those who have seen the movie before and quote the lines in unison with their friends before cackling:
There’s not much to say here other than this:
STFU.
To the people who are laughing at completely inappropriate moments:
Because, yes, it’s funny that a little boy died in the film. Yes, it’s completely funny that someone is being eaten alive. Yes, it’s funny that someone is witnessing something awe-inspiring. Yes, it’s funny that a person is crying during a really emotional scene. Yes, it’s funny when children are in danger from monsters. And, yes, it was completely and utterly gut-bustingly HILARIOUS when Hedwig, Dobby, AND Snape died.
When my family goes out, we can sometimes spend $100 on tickets, depending on what theater and movie we go to. Movies are a special occasion.
For those who insist on talking/texting on their cellphone:
I don’t think that I should really explain to you how rude it is to do this, considering most theaters have at least six commercials about it prior to the movie.
Seriously guys. Your cellphones are like the Light of Eärendil.
Don’t make me go Shelob on your ass.
For all these things (and more):
You are the reason why I don’t want to see movies in the theater anymore.
And I hate your inconsiderate nature.
You’re an asshole and not that cute/funny kind that some people find endearing. You’re an orifice that fecal matter comes from.
When you go to a movie, sit down and shut up. Make sure your kids do the same. If you have something that requires you to not sit down or not shut up, go outside of the theater into the lobby to take care of whatever it is that you need to take care of.
